


L.A. Confidential

by kakashispornstash



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Police, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Crime Fighting, Drama, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Rival Relationship, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 09:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakashispornstash/pseuds/kakashispornstash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enter Jean Kirstein, a twenty-something trying to survive life as a police officer in L.A. Follow Jean as he grapples with the perils of pining for a girl who's more interested in investigating a homicide than what's going on in his pants - not to mention being forced to strip for his boss to see if his ass matches the one found printed on a busted copier after a disastrous New Year's party, along with other lovely (read: insane) misadventures you would find <i>only</i> in the LAPD. (Fill for SNK's Kink Meme; crack-y Police AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	L.A. Confidential

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isengard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isengard/gifts).



> I wanted to give you this - _God_ I hope this doesn't suck (fingers crossed) - because I adore your fic 'Attack on Snipe' and you need more gift fics for creating such a gorgeous piece of fan art. 
> 
> So. I made Levi captain III vs. an actual corporal, since the corporal rank is rare and less powerful. Erwin is the commander. Hanji is Captain I (lower captain). Mikasa is an investigator; Jean, Annie, and Sasha are newly instated police officers. Armin is the lead forensic analyst, a gifted scientist/whiz kid who flew through the ranks in his unit (because how can I not make my bb special?). Eren has an internship which he got thanks to Mikasa putting a good word in for him, except he has to work with none other than Levi, the most difficult person imaginable on the force. Poor Eren.... 
> 
> Anyway, I'm valiantly working on some Jean/Mikasa and of course some Jean/Misery BS for the next installment. (I got that lovely ship off of tumblr. Jean/Misery. Yes, I love it.)

:::1:::

__

_Soy un perdedor  
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?  
(Know what I'm saying'?)_

-Beck

**********

The anxiety in the station was palpable. Ink was on the floor; paper was everywhere, scattered across desks and chairs. A few cubicles were littered with a few beer cans and paper streamers. A noise maker was crunched underneath the captain's boot. 

Levi walked up and down the row of officers, never meeting their eyes. Behind him, there was a dejected whining sound of one of the police dogs, as if he could sense the threatening air of the atmosphere. Sasha gulped, feeling sweat almost pour down the side of her brow. Jean felt his heart begin to race and behind their backs, Sasha clung onto his arm with a vice-like grip. She was shitlessly terrified like they all probably were, like Jean himself was, if he was being honest with himself.

It was pretty much guaranteed that everyone in that line was having the same exact thought: _Oh, dear God…this is it. We're all doomed!_

_No,_ Jean clarified as he closed his eyes and tried to bring himself to a state of calm. _We're fired. We're all getting our asses fired today, and God only knows how this little freak is going to do it..._

The captain bent over, picking up a lone bullet from in between messy stacks of files and papers that had exploded out from the machine, along with hundreds - yes, hundreds - of black and white copies of someone's ass. 

'It appears that, most likely in a drunken stupor, one of my officers took down the copier,' the captain said, his voice cool. Levi turned to look at the copier in question with a terrifying kind of disinterest. 

At some point last night through a drunken haze clouding his head, Jean remembered how someone had screamed when a Beretta (thankfully equipped with a standard silencer) had gone off by mistake as the copying culprit had jumped off of the machine. It had been the guy (or maybe it was a girl?) accidentally discharging it as he -- or she -- had been trying to get down. Though, it was a little scary even trying to conjure up an explanation for why the safety had been off in the first place. 

They had gone through way too much training to have acted like such… such kids. Jean actually felt even more embarrassed than he had when he walked into work that morning and had seen Captain Levi standing in the center of the room, smoking a cigarette (despite that smoking wasn't permitted inside of the building -- which showed just how freaking beyond pissed off he was) and surveying the mess from the party. 

They never really should have even had the party. Everyone knew that it was risky, celebrating their last night shift without Mr. Clean (guess who) around or Commander Smith on their backs.

And yes, things had gotten… a little out of hand (fine, really a lot out of hand), but somebody brought spiked punch, and then there was some bad Christmas caroling and card games and they all had felt like they were in high school again. It had been fun getting a little loose and covering the surveillance cameras with Christa's panties and some other guy's underwear. She was damn lucky she called out sick today... 

They were rookies, and they wanted to have a little fun, but it had gotten out of control. Like, majorly. 

And now they were going to pay for it. Big time. 

It was evident that the accidental misfire had destroyed the entire surface of the copier -- ink had begun to trickle out, too, to top it off; worse, no one had bothered to clean up the _hugely obvious fucking mess_ from last night. Even though they hadn't blatantly trashed the place, everybody knew about Rivaille - his fits of OCD were legendary around this shithole. 

Jean figured it just had to have ended up with everyone volunteering to pitch in with throwing out the trash, cleaning up the elephant in the room (i.e., the fried copier), etc., but it probably ended up with all of them going home thinking somebody else was responsible, rolling out of a cab, and somehow getting into bed or something close to it before passing out. (He could remember doing that himself, at least.)

Someone gave a cough. Levi instantly turned his eyes to that person. 

'Was I asking you for your opinion?' Although it virtually made no sense, it was still enough to get a laugh out of a few of the other rookies at the end of the line. Jean swallowed thickly. Sasha was trembling a little next to him. Too bad those poor stiffs had no idea that Levi, he _wasn't_ joking. He wasn't capable of that. 

Levi gave a deceitful, thin and almost nonexistent smile in the direction of the laughter; the Cougher, meanwhile, literally appeared like he was going to have a heart attack out of either fear or relief. 

'You three gentlemen? Turn around.' Levi swiveled his index finger, raising a brow as he walked over. They all stared in confusion, but then one guy shrugged and the rest blindly followed his lead.

'You see, officers,' Levi said slowly, reaching down again to sharply snatch up one of the copies of someone's ass cheeks off of the floor, 'We're going to discover today, with the help of my best eyes, just who enjoyed him- or herself playing with the copier while I was away on the one holiday break I earn per year.' 

Levi walked over to where the men stood, and promptly ripped the first man's pants down to his knees - underwear and all. And the guy had been wearing a belt. 

He gave an embarrassingly girlish kind of shriek, and tried to cover himself. 'I don't understand the embarrassment, considering you're facing in the other direction...' Levi said to himself as if almost curious about his officer's logic. Then, he merely shrugged, and turned back around. 'Arlert! Get over here.'

Armin Arlet, the station's head forensic analyst, hurried over at the captain's call while appearing flustered and more than a little tired. His lab coat was wrinkled and his hair was... a little everywhere. He seemed extremely reluctant to survey a dozen different butts to find a match with the captain, considering he was being dragged out of forensics to do something so trivial with his time. But this had been an order, one he obviously wasn't getting out of. 

So one by one, each officer was ordered to 'strip' for as long as required by the captain while Armin helped him study the picture. However, it failed to take more than thirty seconds before chaos broke out at this (naturally). 

'This is sexual harassment!' Annie cried. She was at the end of the line ( _lucky bitch_ , Jean thought as he felt his heart race) and seemed like she was going to explode. 

Levi seemed to consider this. 'Very well. Hanji!' He called to the other side of the room. In one of the cubicles, Hanji popped up with a little salute. 

'Yes, sir!'

'When I am finished with my check, I would like you to take Annie and Sasha into the back room to assist me.' 

'Roger that, captain!' 

Annie literally slapped herself in the face, a hand covering her eyes before she dragged it down in abject frustration. Was this a joke? 'You have got to be kidding me...' She said tersely, and then began saying some sort of bizarre prayer (or, more likely, a long chain of swears) in Russian. 

And then, Levi reached Jean. 

'Drop them,' Levi said simply. 'Or, I can lend you a hand--'

'N-not necessary,' Jean swallowed, cursing out the captain in his head as he turned around and began to unzip his jeans. He knew that Levi's real punishment was to humiliate them all, everyone who had been on duty at the break party last night that they'd had for celebrating the New Year while he was still away. 

Jean felt a fresh burst of humiliation as he stood there, cupping himself and trying to retain his dignity after pulling his jeans down. God damn, freaking New Year's party, ruining their lives... 

'OK. Not a match…I think,' Armin said wearily. They had almost neared the end of the line. He skipped over Sasha and soon, she and Annie went into the back break room (and everyone noticed how Annie gave the captain's back the finger as she stalked off, though no one had the balls after _that_ to say anything about it). 

It was silent for a moment. 'We will wait for Hanji's word,' Levi said definitively. But soon, everyone heard a muffled kind of arguing coming from the break room. The guys, who were still fostering their broken egos, all looked at each other with a laughable mix of misery and confusion on their faces. 

Levi didn't seem perturbed at first, but five minutes went by and things only grew worse. Jean could've sworn he heard something like 'you can't make me!' and 'I'm on my period!' which was probably more embarrassing than what had just happened to them. 

Hanji walked out of the break room ten minutes later, her glasses a little crooked and her blouse skewed. Sasha was eating a donut and acting like nothing had happened at all. Annie looked pissed beyond belief, her once-neat twist scattered with fly-away hairs and her face all flushed. Jean almost had to pity her a little. (And then, there was this weird thought about how Annie almost looked kind of sexy when she was flustered like that, but Jean quickly pushed the very idea to the back of his head before he wouldn't be able to look her in the eye for the next few weeks. Yeah…)

'I... I'm sorry, sir. The girls failed to comply to your request….' Hanji said uneasily. She really was one of the weirdest people Jean had ever met in his career in law enforcement, but she shouldn't really have had to get mixed up in this mess. 

Levi pursed his lips. 'Oh, well. I didn't expect them to agree…which is perfectly fine. I didn't want them to.' He gave that rare, creepy smile of his where all of his teeth showed humorlessly.

Jean's mouth literally dropped. He didn't know whether he felt like he wanted to hit the guy or go die in a hole. 

'I suppose,' Levi sighed, though he did a poor job of hiding the slightly sadistic undertone to his voice, 'that means that you're all going to be responsible for this mess, seeing as I cannot find the culprit, and the cost of a new copier will equally be deducted from your paychecks. Also, as an added bonus, you will all be held accountable for latrine duty for the next two months.' 

A collective groan resounded throughout the line up, and Jean caught a glimpse of Sasha's half-chewed Krispy Kreme as she gasped in terror. It went unsaid that they were all responsible for this little New Year's bomb - but now, they had 'latrine' duty on top of it? Jean felt humiliation and exasperation settle into his bones as he almost wished he had been fired at this point - or maybe that he had taken that administrative billing and coding job his mother had always urged him to instead. He was sure that his boss in a regular office setting would have skipped the sadistic rituals and simply given him the ax for this. 

But then, this was the LAPD after all. It was one pretty fucked up (but occasionally awesome and exhilarating) circus, and it sure beat boring as hell work sitting at a desk all day long... all the same, Jean only hoped to God that Mikasa wouldn't find out about this any time soon. Word around here traveled like wildfire, and Jean dreaded the idea that the investigation unit would find out about this by noon, maybe earlier. 

Levi stared at them with narrowed eyes. Nobody made a sound. He merely looked like he either wanted to collectively spit on them or degrade each of them personally with his renowned fondness for obscenities. 'Well?' He only said, before turning around. 'What the hell are you all standing around for? You're dismissed,' the captain finished somewhat darkly over his shoulder, before stepping past the mess from last night in apparent disgust. He was still holding a photocopy of someone's naked ass, which they all noticed as he walked into his office before slamming the door. 

Nobody said anything. 

Then, finally: 'W...What is he going to do with that photocopy?!' 

**********

About a week later, when Eren Jaeger went to the police station for his first day of work, he walked by the break room bulletin and almost choked on his peppermint latte. 

Next to a few newspaper headlines about inner city crime, work at the station, and other announcements underneath the glass was a crude photocopy of someone's naked ass, along with a caption that read very seriously: 'HAVE YOU SEEN MY OWNER?'

Eren gaped before gathering himself, not sure whether he should laugh or feel disturbed. He walked off while taking another sip of his coffee, shaking his head. _Oka-aaaay, then..._


End file.
